Let’s be honest: we all know we need to set boundaries. As working mothers, we juggle an endless list of responsibilities, and deep down, we understand that setting limits is essential for our well-being. So why do we struggle to actually do it?
Well, two reasons. The first is that we want to achieve. But maybe more importantly, we don’t want to disappoint anyone. Whether it’s a colleague, your boss, your partner, or your kids, the idea of saying “no” or “not right now” can feel like a failure. We’re used to stepping up, taking care of things, and being seen as capable, so setting boundaries can feel like we’re letting someone down.
But here’s the paradox: when we don’t set boundaries, we overcommit, and the quality of our work—and our emotional well-being—starts to suffer. We end up pleasing fewer people in the long run, including ourselves. Or as I like to say, we are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Think about it. How many times have you tried to squeeze in that one last task, just to feel like you’re falling short later?
Take this all-too-common scenario: You’re trying to finish up work, maybe take one last phone call, and suddenly it’s 5 minutes past the time you’re supposed to pick up your child. You’re rushing out the door, feeling guilty, knowing you’re going to be the last parent at daycare—again. It’s an exhausting cycle, and it happens because we’ve tried to do too much for too many people.
The Comparison Trap
Another reason we struggle with boundaries is comparison. We see other moms who seem to have it all together, when we consistently feel behind. It’s that mom at school who seems to make it to every daytime school event, or a coworker who seems to excel when multiple challenges are thrown at her without ever missing a beat.
But here’s the truth — we don’t really know what’s going on behind the scenes. Maybe that mom you’re comparing yourself to has a different set of strengths. Or maybe she’s delegating or outsourcing in ways you’re not. She also might not be doing some of the things you’re doing. And that’s okay. We all have different strengths and capacities, and measuring ourselves against another person just adds to the pressure.
So, how do we get out of this cycle and start setting boundaries that actually stick? It starts with a simple framework.
A Simple Framework for Boundary Setting
Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, it can be as straightforward as using a three-part framework to communicate your needs effectively. This framework is effective in all kinds of situations—whether you’re at work, dealing with your kids, or negotiating time with your partner or extended family.
- Use “I” statements: Own and express your needs without blaming others.
- Provide context: Explain why you’re setting this boundary so the other person understands where you’re coming from and why it’s important to you.
- Offer a reframe or compromise: Find a way to meet in the middle, where possible.
Now, let’s break down how this can work in real-life scenarios.
Boundary Setting at Work
Work is often the hardest place to set boundaries, especially when you feel pressure to be available 24/7. But without clear limits, you risk burnout and poor performance.
Example 1: Needing Focus Time
Let’s say you’re overwhelmed with a work project and can’t afford to be interrupted by meetings or last-minute requests. Here’s how you can set a boundary:
- “I need focused time today to finish this project because the deadline is looming. I can connect tomorrow after I’ve wrapped this up.”
By using this framework, you’re stating your need clearly, providing context (the deadline stress), and offering a compromise by making yourself available later.
Example 2: Disconnecting While on Vacation
You are going on vacation and worried about getting calls from your manager. It can be nerve-wracking to set boundaries with your boss. Here’s a simple way to frame it:
- “I’m going on vacation next week, and I need to fully unplug to recharge. I understand there might be some urgent matters, so I’m happy to take calls between 8 and 9 p.m. once my kids are in bed. I won’t be available during the day.”
This shows you’re still a team player while making it clear that your time off is important to you.
Example 3: School pickup
Your child is starting first grade, and you want to be the one to pick her up from school at 3:05. Here’s what you can tell your team members:
- “I’m not going to be available each day between 2:30 and 4 because it’s important to me to pick up my child after school and touch base about her day. I’m going to block my calendar during this timeframe and will finish up in the evening.”
Setting Boundaries with Kids
Kids are natural boundary-pushers, and it’s up to us as parents to gently enforce limits, while teaching them valuable lessons about respect and time management.
Example 1: Managing Interruptions
If your kids tend to interrupt you while you’re working or handling important tasks, you can frame your boundary like this:
- “I know you want to talk to me, and I really want to listen. I can’t do it right now because I’m focused on work. I’ll be done at 5 p.m., and we can talk then.”
This acknowledges their need while setting a clear boundary about when you’ll be available.
Example 2: Baseball Game
Your child has a playoff game and wants you to be there… but you have an important work call in the middle. Try explaining using something like this:
- “I know this game is important to you, and it’s important to me too. I’m going to be there. I’ll need to go to the car to make an important phone call during the game. Before and after my call, you and the game will have my full attention.”
Setting Boundaries with Your Partner
Setting boundaries with your partner can be tricky, especially if you’ve fallen into patterns where you’re taking on more than your fair share. But communicating your needs clearly can prevent resentment from building.
Example 1: Sharing Responsibilities
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with household tasks, you can ask for help using the boundary framework:
- “I am feeling really stressed with this big presentation coming up, and I need some help with the kids’ bedtime routine so I can spend some time in the evenings preparing. Let’s discuss how we can take turns putting them to bed so I have some time to work.”
This sets a clear expectation without putting the blame on your partner, and it opens the door for compromise.
Example 2: Time for Self-Care
Self-care is important, but many of us feel guilty asking for time alone. Here’s how to frame it:
- “I’ve been feeling drained, and I need some time for myself this weekend. Let’s discuss a schedule for managing the kids so we both have some time to recharge.”
This creates space for you while simultaneously recognizing that your partner may need some alone time as well.
Setting Boundaries with Extended Family
Extended family can sometimes have expectations that clash with your busy life. Whether it’s hosting events or handling family responsibilities, setting boundaries with parents, in-laws or siblings can be difficult and kick up the guilt — but it’s crucial to protect your time.
Example 1: Saying No to Hosting
You set an annual tradition of hosting a holiday dinner at your home but can’t take it on this time. Try this approach:
- “I really enjoy hosting everyone each year. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it this time because of my work schedule. I’d be happy to help with planning, food and clean-up.”
This sets a boundary while still offering support in a way that works for you.
Example 2: Managing Unannounced Visits
If your family drops by unannounced or expects more of your time than you can give, try this:
- “I love spending time with you. However, between work and the kids, we need to plan visits in advance. What is your availability next weekend?”
This shows that you value the relationship and want to spend time, while helping you protect your time and energy.
A Positive Lens
Sometimes, the compromise you need to make when boundary setting can feel uncomfortable. You’re helping out at your child’s end-of-school-year party and need to leave early to jump into a meeting. Leaving mid-party doesn’t feel right… and neither does leaving work in the middle of the day to be there. This is what compromise looks like. And it’s not a failure. In fact, it’s a sign of your healthy communication with both your family and your colleagues. Reframing the situation to “Cool! I was able to see my kid at school today AND make my meeting,” is a more positive mindset — though it can take some time to wrap your head around the idea that this compromise is a win-win. If you have mixed feelings during this adjustment period, give yourself some grace.
Final Thoughts: You’ve Got This
Setting boundaries as a working mom isn’t easy, but it’s essential for maintaining your well-being and effectiveness. Getting into the regular practice of using “I” statements, providing context, and offering compromises will help you clearly communicate your needs and minimize feelings of guilt and overwhelm. Remember, the art of boundary setting isn’t about shutting people out — it’s about including them in a way that works for you, while making sure you’re showing up fully in the areas that matter most.
Start small, have those conversations, and trust that you can create the balance you need.
Elyse Dub, PhD is a psychologist and founder of Insight Onsite, a mental wellness company that helps people build human connections at work.
